If you have a child support order, payments can be sent directly to the mother or they can be processed through the local child support office. There are arguments for either method of payment. Just remember, at the end of the day, payment must be made and children provided for.

Consider the following questions if you are struggling with proceeding through the child support office or not.

1. Was a payment withheld or reduced for a reason that had nothing to do with the kids?
2. Are you arguing about the amount of ordered payments?
3. Was the amount or timing of payment not consistent with what was ordered and there was no communication from the non-custodial parent?
4. Do you go to sleep wondering if payment will be made or not?
5. Are there any disagreements about any amounts owed?
6. Are there any unnecessary conversations about how the money is used?
7. Do you trust that the non-custodial parent is going to pay you?
8. Do you need the money when it is due?
9. If the non-custodial is behind, do you agree on the past due amount and is there an agreed upon plan for them to catch up?
10. Does the non-custodial parent threaten to decrease or stop payment for whatever reason?

Lots to consider. If you don’t experience any of these issues, then please continue business as usual. If you have experienced an issue, lost sleep at night or continue to worry about the payment, you may want to consider letting your local child support office take the burden; you have other issues to worry about. Choose what you feel is right for you.

Let’s make an argument for why the payments should be processed through the local office.

1. Accurate record keeping.
2. Avoids conflict surrounding money that was paid or not paid. See #1 .
3. Payments are sent via a ‘middle person/organization” to the custodial parent.
4. Personal accountability: either you paid or you didn’t. See #1.
5. Avoids arguments about how much was paid, when paid and the method of payment. See #1.
6. Eliminates money conversations with the non-custodial parent. Focus is placed on the children.
7. Calculates late payments.

A lot of mature adults can avoid going through the courts if the non-custodial parent is consistent with payments and keeps the lines of communication open.

Let’s explore why one does not want to go through the local office.

1. The government is now in the business of making sure you pay what you have been ordered to pay.
2. Time consuming if you don’t have the ability to pay online.
3. No one should be forced to take care of their children.
4. If you fall behind on payments, even if it’s no fault of your own, past due accruals can cause suspension in the driver’s license, aggressive collection efforts, tax return diversion, etc.
5. It feels a little degrading to have to go to an office and be held accountable to do the right thing.

You have to do what is right for you, the relationship with the non-custodial parent and what is right for the kids.

There is no cookie cutter answer, however I asked myself the above questions and considered the pros and cons. At the end of the day, I did what was right for the kids.

KEEP IN MIND: Filing a claim does not guarantee that you are going to receive payment from the non-custodial parent. However, you don’t have to worry about communicating about the issue. The child enforcement office will handle all of that for you.

Child support by the non-custodial parent is a reality and both parties should realize that it’s a necessity. Choose your path.

~Elle Camille

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The nurse asked me the usual questions: Name, address, insurance, allergies etc and I was happy to report that my oldest was able to answer the questions for me. I was tired, falling asleep and in pain. When I left the ER with crutches, I was glad about the following:

•  The oldest knows more about me than just my name.
• The oldest knows my medical history (well a little).
• The oldest was willing, without hesitation, to come and get her mommy and take her to the ER.

I was doing something right.

The next day before the meds kicked in I then began to wonder. If something tragic had happened to me, would the kids know what to do? Who would the kids call? Who would take care of the kids? Do they know my wishes?

Do I have enough life insurance?
Is my paperwork in order?
Can the family find my paperwork?

Very important questions that should have a positive answer in the event of death or a real emergency.

Well my answer is yes and no.

I have a will, trust, healthcare directive and power of attorney. I also have life insurance. However, all documents are 10 years old and were executed when I was happily married. In addition, I have moved and paper work is scattered.

I better get my files together.

Let’s be honest. No one wants to think about their demise or possible disability. However, we know that death is inevitable and we must prepare accordingly. It’s unfair to those left behind if we don’t prepare.

Who do you want to take care of kids?
Who do you want to get your “stuff”?
What are your wishes in the event you are on a respirator?

My mother passed away approximately 10 years ago. The paperwork after her death was not stressful because her paperwork was in order and her wishes were clearly known and properly documented. I want the same for my kids.

I AN NOT AN ATTORNEY. Please seek legal advice. Below is a list of basic documents (with definitions) that everyone should have executed.

– Wills:  A will or testament is a legal document by which a person, the testator, expresses their wishes as to how their property is to be distributed at death, and names one or more persons, the executor, to manage the estate until its final distribution.

– Advanced healthcare directive: An advance healthcare directive, also known as living will, personal directive, advance directive, medical directive or advance decision, is a legal document in which a person specifies what actions should be taken for their health if they are no longer able to make decisions for themselves because of illness or incapacity. In the U.S. it has a legal status in itself, whereas in some countries it is legally persuasive without being a legal document.

Elle’s definition: Informs the medical community of those persons who they can discuss your medical care with and informs the medical community of your wishes such as remaining on life support or not.

– Power of attorney

The health care power of attorney is a document in which you designate someone to be your representative, or agent, in the event you are unable to make or communicate decisions about all aspects of your health care.

A power of attorney (POA) or letter of attorney is a written authorization to represent or act on another’s behalf in private affairs, business, or some other legal matter, sometimes against the wishes of the other. The person authorizing the other to act is the principal, grantor, or donor (of the power).

Elle’s definition: Someone can act on your behalf if you are incapacitated.

An additional document that is work having but not necessary is a trust.

– Living Trust A living trust (sometimes called an “inter vivos” or “revocable” trust) is a written legal document through which your assets are placed into a trust for your benefit during your lifetime and then transferred to designated beneficiaries at your death by your chosen representative, called a “successor trustee.”

Difference between a will and a trust: One main difference between a will and a trust is that a will goes into effect only after you die, while a trust takes effect as soon as you create it. A will is a document that directs who will receive your property at your death and it appoints a legal representative to carry out your wishes.

If you don’t have the basic legal documents please find an attorney to draft up the paperwork so those left behind know what your wishes are. If you have paper work, review and revise. After a divorce, add this to your check list of items. Take your time but be diligent.

Is your paperwork in order?

Don’t burden those left behind.

~Elle Camille

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You want to claim her for your own

She is everything that you could imagine

Soft

Kind

Responsive

Fills with passion

Erupts with joy

You want her for your own, all to yourself

Staking a claim?

You must require yourself to

Talk to her

Love her

See her for who she is

Feed her and

Caress her

Watch her sleep

Make her feel safe

She likes to be secure

She needs to be loved

She requires to be the only one you adore

If not

No exclusivity

Just opportunity

To call her yours for one night.

~Elle Camille

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I can’t explain what type of tired, just tired.

One evening I was talking to a friend discussing the list of things accomplished and the items that remained to be completed. I was tired (seems to be a running theme) and trying to determine what could really wait and what needed my immediate attention.

He laughed and quietly stated: Superwoman.

I laughed, told him no and dismissed the conversation.

I am no superwoman, just doing what needs to be done for the kids.

I sat down and reflected on a typical weekday for my home when school is in session. It consists of the following: Wake up, wake kids up, leave home, drop kids off, fight traffic to get to work. Work, manage staff, squeeze in lunch, watch the clock and pray no one calls informing me of a sick child or missing school work. Run out of office to fight traffic to pick up said child(ren), ponder about dinner, wishing homework was completed in the after school program and cross fingers hoping that I remembered to put money on the account and there isn’t a note for me when I arrive.

Pick up, talk about the day, inform what’s for dinner and referee a few arguments.

Get home, cook dinner, check homework (it wasn’t done), get reminded of the book I didn’t purchase even though I received the text during a meeting. Wash a load of clothes while talking, put lunch money on the account and after school account, talk about the upcoming weekend (it’s Monday I know) and then usher them off to bed. Drive to get the book, pop into Wal-Mart and prepare to repeat the next day.

Typical day.

Now I get my share of curve balls at least twice a week:

No clean uniform…. forgot to place in the dryer
Dr appointment
Teacher conference
Teacher email for clarification (dinner table version doesn’t add up)
Allergy appointments
Practice.. any practice
Last minute project
Engine light mysteriously appearing

Any day, any time, any order, any combination!

Aren’t all single parents having average days like me?

Later that night while trying to catch a quiet moment and reflecting on the above, I pondered on what was said and felt a little agitated. Why was I being labeled a superwoman?? I was a little offended, the word is misleading and implied that I wake up every morning, put on my cape and costume with a big S on the chest and begin to save the day.

Single parents DO NOT always have the luxury of having someone reliable to share the day to day responsibilities of the kids or even general household duties.

Did you notice clean up the house isn’t on the list….LOL.

It’s easy to assume that a woman who you see doing everything is a superwoman, but she isn’t. She is a mom.

School is starting real soon. My typical day will change and I will pre-plan a little more. I will reach out more and utilize my network and place more responsibilities on the kids. A consistent state of tired if not how I want to live.

I didn’t choose the path: I am tackling the path.
Placing roses, lilacs, caladiums and crepe myrtles on my path.

Superwoman by Force, not Choice.

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Not to short or too tall
Nothing that heels can’t resolve.
Never skinny and not too fat
You have a preference let’s just leave it at that.

There’s nothing is wrong with me.

Interact with passion
or approach with indifference
Love hard, fall hard
Slow to rise my heart to guard

Hair curly or straight
Depends on the mood
Mess it up, get it done
I love how it moves.

There’s nothing is wrong with me as I see

Cook or order in
eat out or drive thru

Jazz or R&B
Concerts or playlists
Red or White
Brown or clear
Bottle or can
I am grown; a grown woman

There’s nothing wrong with me, let me be

Stubborn yes
Compromising, at times
Decisions have always been mine.

Passport ready
Vacation days saved

Car gassed up
Travel and converse

There’s nothing wrong with me, let me be free

Sports…yes
Club… yes
Spa… yes
Church… yes

Loud yes, quiet yes
Happy yes, sad yes
Lover today, lover forever

Look around you will see me
There’s nothing wrong with me, I am free

Mommy, coach, taxi driver,
Fashionista, doctor, confidant, referee
I am me and that’s all I can be

Look around you will see me
There’s nothing wrong with me, I am me

I dare you
I dare you to see me
I dare you to smile at me
I dare you to get to know me
I dare you to love me

I will be a better me
There’s more to me
You will see
Love me for me and get the best of me

Like I said
And don’t be scared

There’s nothing wrong with me.

~Elle Camille

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Vacations can be expensive depending on your style, likes, dislikes and expectations. In most recent times, kids have become more and more exposed to the world through over 200 cable channels, the internet (You Tube, social media platforms), Netflix and the ability to communicate with others around the world. This exposure has increased their appetite for adventure and thanks to frequent mile programs, school vacations during the off-season and cheap travel web sites, the world is their oyster…Without the funds. LOL. It’s nothing to hear a child say, “What are we doing for fall break?” “Can we go to Cancun for Spring Break?” “Can we go to Australia during Christmas?” “I’ve never been on a cruise.” “I don’t want to go to Myrtle Beach again.” “I need a passport!”

Kids are funny!

While married, you and your ex pillow talked about the kids and the places or things you would like for them to experience.

I can’t wait til we take the kids _____
I would love to see the kids face when they see _____
He/She would love to go ____

Nothing is wrong with dreaming and expectations. Now that you are divorced, do you abandon what you want for your kids? Of course not. Should the ex also experience some of the same adventures at the same time? Depends.

While legally separated I attempted an off-season vacation to Universal Studios in Orlando, FL for a week with the ex while the kids were out of school.

If you know me, then you know that I love amusement parks as well as the ex. It has always been a joy and tradition of ours to expose the kids to amusement parks as well. As a general rule, we don’t start exposure until the child is past the nap phase, can walk all day in the park unassisted and able to carry his/her own drinks and souvenirs. No strollers and bag holding for this mama.

Our son was 7 and his rite of passage was upon us. I called and asked if the ex wanted to go. School was out for a week, picture prefect February weather and no crowds, what could go wrong?

The Ex said yes and the planning began. We discussed finances and sleeping arrangements before departure (separate rooms of course). We surprised the kids and they were so happy to visit Universal Studios that they didn’t focus on who was going vs. our living situation at home.

The ex and I left all of our anger and lawyers and negotiations and finger-pointing back home. The vacation was a success. We had a lot of fun but most importantly the kids had fun.

The goal was achieved but at what cost?

We looked like a hypocrites.

– It was no secret that the ex and I didn’t communicate much at home so going on vacation and speaking daily was confusing to the kids. Why in FL and not at home?
– If we could get along for one (1) week why couldn’t we get along in the marriage? There were no arguments or ‘disagreements’ for an entire week.
– If we could visit amusement parks, restaurants and shows on vacation, why couldn’t we do family activities daily, at home? From the kids point of view, hanging out, riding in the car together and eating dinner together is what family is all about.
– The interaction wasn’t genuine. We faked it.

Lessons

If I don’t openly communicate with you on a regular basis, why spend vacation days and money doing the same thing?  I can non communicate at home for free.

Kids can and do see through everything.

No one should make self-sacrifice on vacation. Life is too short.

If you have a great relationship with your ex, then go for it. Joint vacations can be a success.

I won’t do it again!

~Elle Camille

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Some songs are known to usher in an event or signify an activity. Growing up, Motown music playing on a Saturday morning signified it was time to clean up the house. If I hear “Pomp and Circumstance,” I know a graduation is about to take place. “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” is only played during baseball games and “Here Comes the Bride” is only heard at weddings.

Certain songs set the mood. I attended a college homecoming party recently. The DJ was doing a great job but no one was really dancing, the crowd looked bored and the party was a little slow. All of a sudden the DJ played a song (I can’t remember the name) and the entire crowd jumped on its feed to dance.  In other words, the party didn’t really get started until that song was played.

Some songs are written to motivate us and give us strength.

In a marriage headed towards divorce, during the divorce process and after a divorce, both parties say a lot of things that are hurtful, and unnecessary.

Words can and do leave a mark
Words penetrate
Words make you second guess everything
Words can make you question your character

In my brief quiet time, when the world around me has settled, I hear a song and encouraging words that clears it all up for me.

Discovering a sweet melody is liberating

New words give life

New words triumph over the old words

I have found the perfect liberating song for me and my situation: “Precious” by Esperanza Spalding.  “Precious” gets me going at the start of a bad day. “Precious” gets me going when I have an unpleasant conversation with the ex. “Precious” removes all doubts when reflecting on previous unpleasant conversations.

Do you have a liberating song? Do you have a song that can put you back into perspective? Do you have a song that gets you going towards the future? Do you have a song that describes how you really feel? I do and it feels great!!!!!

“Precious”
Esperanza Spalding

Love me or leave me
But please
Don’t deceive me
And say you
Love me how I am
You love the way
I fit some ideal
Not the real woman
You’ve yet to understand
See love ain’t all heaven
And I am no angel
But I do the best I can

You always wanted
Something more from my body
And said you needed
Something more from my loving
But all you got was me
And that’s all that I can be
I’m sorry if it let you down

Now it’s no nice excuse
But all the magic was used
Up on trying to uphold
Some kind of tame
Flattering persona
That soon enough
Was getting real old
It takes more than pressure
To change rock to diamond
Now all you have is sand
Slipping through your fingers

You always wanted
Something more from my body
And said you needed
Something more from my loving
But all you got was me
And that’s all that I can be
I’m sorry if it let you down

But I’m not gonna sit around
And waste
My precious divine energy
Trying to explain
And being ashamed of things
You think are wrong with me
I’m not gonna sit around
And waste
My precious divine energy
Trying to explain
And being ashamed
Of what you think
Is wrong with me
Set you up
You say I set you up
Like I was different
Than what I am
Offering you now
And drug your heart around
Did you forget about
All of the love
And the acceptance
That you promised me too?

You always wanted
Something more from my body
And said you needed
Something more from my loving
But all you got was me
And that’s all that I can be
I’m sorry if it let you down
You always wanted
Something more from my body
And said you needed
Something more from my loving
But all you got was me
And that’s all that I can be
I’m sorry if it let you down

But I’m not gonna sit around
And waste
My precious divine energy
Trying to explain
And being ashamed of what
You think is wrong with me
I’m not gonna sit around
And waste
My precious divine energy
Trying to explain
And being ashamed of what
You think is wrong with me

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Leaving home time is not the time to come downstairs and begin to fix lunch, get breakfast, ask questions, sign papers, put on shoes, etc.  It’s not a hard concept:  Be ready to leave at 7 am.

As we rode in silence, I began to reflect on the entire morning trying to figure out what went wrong. After 30 mins, the light bulb went off:  I had not been clear in communicating my expectations and what ‘leaving home’ meant. I failed at being an effective communicator.    Ouch!!  The word we all love to hate:  COMMUNICATION.

What a revelation at 7:45 am.  Now I had to do some self-reflecting.  Communication is defined as the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings.

I don’t think my communication style is successful.

While married, were some of the issues due to a lack of effective, successful communication on my part?

If yes, then why am I mad at him and not myself?  Hmmmmm.

I am not giving the ex a pass here. There are a lot of valid reasons that caused us to divorce, but maybe, just maybe some of the not so valid reasons are because I didn’t effectively communicate.

How can I expect something from someone when they are honestly clueless because my communication was not successful?

Communication is a 2-way street but if you know your partner then you know their strengths and weaknesses and sometimes, just sometimes you have to make adjustments to be effective.

Kids are different than adults I know, but the common denominator in the relationships between both groups is ME.

The Huffington Post’s 2013 article “Divorce Causes: 5 Communication Habits That Lead To Divorce” lists the five (5) types of communication habits.  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/29/divorce-5-communication-h_n_2159531.html

1. Inauthenticity
2. Incongruence
3. Win-lose attitude
4. Interrupting, finishing sentences and forgetting to pause
5. Focusing on the negative, and impoliteness

Over time, these 5 communication habits can erode any relationship. Who knew there were different types of communication? I will share my ‘weakness’ in upcoming blogs and give tips on how to overcome.

Healing after a divorce is going to take time.  Part of the healing process is being honest with yourself and examining opportunities for improvement

I will continue to work on me during this healing time and add communication to my list.

What’s on your list?

`Elle Camille

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I knew that Cinderella, the character, wasn’t real.  However,  I felt like I could make a version of Cinderella my reality. I knew I wanted a man who would

Treat me like a queen

Sweep me off my feet

Provide support

When I think about it, I really thought it was that easy if you found someone who you loved and they equally loved you back.  Love would conquer all.

Growing up in the 80s watching great family sitcoms helped to shape that fairy tale narrative. The best sitcoms showed a loving father and mother raising kids and navigating home life with a little bit of comedy. What could be better?

• the Huxtables, The Cosby Show
• The seavers, Growing Pains
• The Arnolds, The Wonder Years
• The Cunninghams, Happy Days
• The Ingallses, Little House on the Prairie
• The Winslows, Family Matters
• The Keatons, Family Ties

Hell, I was sold.  Between t.v., the movies and Barbie in all her pink glory at Toys R Us with Ken by her side smiling all the time who could fail. LOL.

Fast forward 20+ years. Anita Baker said it best in her 1990 song Fairy Tale “Reality stepped into view.”  I was young and naive when I married and I didn’t know what “living happily ever after” really meant.

Living happily ever after includes some things I wasn’t previously good at in totality or maybe when it mattered:

• compromise
• communications
• acceptance
• forgiveness
• self-preservation

A fairy tale is defined as a story in which improbable events lead to a happy ending.  As a wise adult, I now know that my fairy tale, my fantasy, my happily ever after is still to come and it’s what I envision. Most importantly, my happily every after may not look like your happily ever after.

While I wait, I will remember the words to Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be will be; The future’s not ours to see, Que Sera Sera

~Elle Camille

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Love is in the air and the sight of it all may flood your mind with memories of happier times.   Times when you received beautiful cards, a dozen roses delivered to the job, dinner by candlelight or romantic getaways.

If you don’t have a new ‘boo’ yet, don’t sweat or get nervous.  Below are 6 ways to survive getting through the valentine season.

1. Remember to love yourself.  Self-love is the best love and no one is going to love you better.
2.  Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate romantic love but love can be shared with someone who is not a significant other.
   • Spread extra love to the kids. Take then out to dinner.  Put a special treat in their lunch. Buy the kids a card and small gift.
   • Surprise an elderly family member or neighbor who is a widow with a card or gift. It would brighten up their day.  Take them to lunch or just visit for a while. Sometimes the best gifts we can offer don’t cost a thing.
3. Find a singles group in your area and attend an activity. I know, I know, who wants to join another group.  Check out www.meetup.com and locate a singles group.  During this time of year, several groups host functions for singles. This could be an excellent way to meet others like you or someone special.
4. Call your single friends and have a get together. Host a party or plan an activity.
5. If you like roses, send yourself a dozen. Now, don’t order flowers, send them to the office and write a fake note.   You aren’t desperate, just treating yourself.
6. Schedule yourself a spa day. You are special and you deserve the extra attention.

Remember to always surround yourself with love and love is not limited to just one (1) day.

~Elle Camille

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